Why Self-Isolation Makes Shame, Guilt, and Embarrassment Worse: An ACT Perspective for Men
Feeling inadequate, ashamed, guilty, or embarrassed is a deeply human experience—yet for many men, these emotions lead to silence and social withdrawal. In our work at Pursuit Counselling & Therapy, we see how self-isolation in response to these painful feelings can entrench suffering and block the path to healing. From an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) perspective, withdrawing from others when you feel at your lowest is what ACT calls an “away move”—a strategy that promises relief but often deepens distress in the long run, and makes the problem worse.
Let’s explore why self-isolation is so tempting, why it’s counterproductive, and how reaching out for support can transform your relationship with these difficult emotions and lead to true self-confidence.
The Trap of Self-Isolation
Shame, guilt, and embarrassment are self-conscious emotions—they arise when we fear we’ve fallen short of our own or others’ expectations. For men, these feelings often stem from societal pressures to appear strong, competent, and emotionally invulnerable. When these standards feel unattainable, the resulting shame or guilt can be overwhelming.
The instinctive response? Hide. Men often withdraw from friends, family, and even partners, fearing judgment or further humiliation. This “tough it out” mentality is reinforced by cultural norms that equate vulnerability with weakness. But isolation doesn’t bring relief in the long run. While it might bring relief in the short-term, it:
Amplifies feelings of loneliness and unworthiness in the long run
Increases the risk of depression, anxiety, and substance abuse
Prevents the kind of healing that only connection can provide
Understanding “Away Moves” in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
ACT is a modern, evidence-based approach that helps people build psychological flexibility—learning to respond to deeply uncomfortable thoughts and feelings in ways that align with their values, rather than being driven by avoidance.
In ACT, “away moves” are actions we take to escape or numb uncomfortable emotions. Self-isolation is a classic away move. When you feel inadequate or ashamed, pulling back from others can seem protective. In the short term, it may bring relief, reduce anxiety, shield you from perceived judgment, and make you feel safer. But over time, away moves have a cost:
They reinforce the belief that your feelings are dangerous or unacceptable.
They prevent you from experiencing the acceptance and understanding that come from authentic connection.
They keep you stuck in a cycle of avoidance, making shame and guilt feel even more unmanageable.
Research shows that ongoing shame leads people to isolate themselves, facing higher risks of psychological problems and missing out on the healing power of connection.
Why Doing the Hard and Meaningful Thing is the Antidote
Healing from shame and guilt requires moving toward—rather than away from—relationships, daunting tasks, and willing discomfort. This doesn’t mean you have to share your deepest secrets with everyone. But it does mean opening up, even a little, to safe, supportive people.
Therapy is uniquely positioned to help with this. In a confidential, non-judgmental space, you can:
Name and explore your thoughts and feelings: Simply saying “I feel shame right now” can help you see that shame is an emotion, not an identity. Or saying “I notice I’m having the thought that I’m going to get fired” can help you see that thoughts are, too, just an experience, and not reflective of any objective truth.
Challenge distorted beliefs: Therapy helps you recognize and question the harsh self-judgments that fuel shame and guilt.
Experience acceptance: A skilled therapist offers tools to help you learn how to accept emotional discomfort as neutral and objective — not as a prompt to withdraw or hide.
Practice vulnerability: Sharing your struggles in therapy can make it easier to reach out to others in your life, slowly breaking the cycle of isolation.
Studies confirm that self-compassion and professional support are powerful antidotes to shame, helping people reconnect with themselves and others.
What Happens When You Stop Isolating
When men begin to move toward meaningful connection and face their discomfort willingly, several things happen:
Shame and guilt lose their grip. These emotions thrive in secrecy and in choosing avoidance. Speaking them aloud in a supportive therapeutic relationship diminishes their power.
You realize you’re not alone. Many men struggle with similar feelings, even if they don’t talk about it. Discussing these feelings with other men can be especially powerful in normalizing these experiences.
You build resilience. Facing difficult emotions with support helps you develop healthier coping strategies and a more compassionate self-view.
Your relationships deepen. Vulnerability is the foundation of intimacy. When you share your true self, you invite genuine connection and support.
A Real-Life Example
Consider the story of “Dan” who wrestles with social anxiety, and had earlier in the week committed to plans on a Saturday night. Once Saturday morning had come, his social anxiety symptoms had begun, and all he was able to think was that he felt too inadequate and inferior to socialize with friends he had known for years. As the day wore on, his symptoms became increasingly worse. At 5:00 pm, he determined that the only option was to cancel his plans. He took out his phone, messaged his friend, and told him that he was feeling under the weather. His relief was instant. He spent his evening with takeout, Netflix, and solitude.
A few weeks had passed. Again, he made plans with a friend for the upcoming weekend. This time, his symptoms began sooner, and their severity had increased. He realized it was only Thursday, and he was already dreading his Saturday plans. “There’s something wrong with me. I’m different from my friends, and they’re going to see that I’m just a loser. They’re going to realize that I’m not worth keeping around.”
He cancelled his plans again.
This cycle continued for about year. In time, he found that he was no longer making plans, and was hearing from his friends less and less. Now, routine errands were making Dan feel anxious, and every night was spent alone.
His symptoms were getting worse, and his self-esteem was plummeting.
A Call to Action: Choose Connection Over Isolation
If you’re struggling with feelings of inadequacy, shame, guilt, or embarrassment, know this: you don’t have to face it alone. Isolation may feel safer in the moment, but it only deepens pain and keeps you from the support you deserve.
At Pursuit Counselling & Therapy, we specialize in helping men navigate these complex emotions in a safe, confidential environment. Our team understands the unique challenges men face and is committed to helping you move from isolation to connection—and from shame to self-acceptance.
Take the first step today. Reach out to a licensed therapist with the Pursuit Counselling & Therapy team and book your free 20-minute consultation now.
You are worthy of support, and healing begins with connection.
