Low Assertiveness and Self-Esteem in Men: Why It Happens and How to Change It

Have you ever noticed yourself saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”? Or maybe you avoid speaking up in meetings, with friends, or even in your relationship because you’re worried about what others might think? You’re not alone — and it doesn’t mean there’s something “wrong” with you.

Low assertiveness and low self-esteem are surprisingly common in men, even when it’s not talked about much. Social expectations, childhood experiences, and personal beliefs all play a role in shaping how comfortable we feel asserting our needs, setting boundaries, or speaking our minds.

Why Low Assertiveness Happens in Men

1. Social conditioning and masculinity norms
   From a young age, men are often told to “tough it out” or “don’t be needy.” Expressing feelings or standing up for yourself can sometimes feel like going against these norms. Over time, it can become automatic to stay quiet, avoid conflict, or put others first — even when it’s not what you want.
   

2. Fear of judgment or rejection
   Saying what you want or need comes with a risk: someone might disagree, get upset, or even reject you. For men who’ve experienced criticism or emotional invalidation growing up, that risk can feel amplified, and avoiding it seems safer.
   

3. Past experiences and relationships
   Childhood, school, and early work experiences teach us what’s “safe” behavior. If speaking up got you into trouble or caused tension in the past, it’s easy to fall into patterns of low assertiveness as an adult.
   

How Low Assertiveness Affects Self-Esteem

Assertiveness and self-esteem are closely linked. When you avoid speaking up or advocating for yourself, it can reinforce feelings of self-doubt, insecurity, and frustration. You may notice patterns like:

• Constantly putting other people’s needs above your own

• Feeling unheard or overlooked at work or in relationships

• Internalizing frustration instead of expressing it

• Feeling guilty for asserting yourself

  Over time, these habits can chip away at confidence and make it harder to set boundaries, make decisions, or trust your instincts.

Practical Ways to Build Assertiveness and Confidence

Start small
Being assertive doesn’t mean making huge declarations right away. Try small, low-risk situations:

• Speak up about what you want for lunch

• Ask for help when you need it

• Share your opinion in a meeting
  

  Use “I” statements
  Framing your needs with “I” keeps the focus on your experience, not the other person’s behavior. Example: “I feel frustrated when meetings start late, and I’d like us to start on time.”
  

  Practice setting boundaries
  Boundaries aren’t about being rigid or rude — they’re about protecting your energy. Start by noticing situations where you feel uncomfortable saying no and practice politely declining.

  Reframe mistakes and discomfort
  Assertiveness can feel awkward at first. That’s normal. Each time you speak up, you reinforce that your voice matters — even if it feels uncomfortable.
  
  Consider therapy
  Talking with a professional can help you uncover underlying patterns, practice assertive communication, and build self-esteem in a safe, supportive space.

Final Thoughts

Low assertiveness and self-esteem aren’t a permanent label — they’re skills that can be built over time. The key is consistency, self-compassion, and practice. Each time you assert yourself, you’re training your brain to trust your voice, honour your needs, and step into confidence.

Remember: speaking up isn’t about being aggressive or “loud,” it’s about being clear, honest, and present in your own life. And that’s something every man deserves to feel.

Take the first step today. Reach out to a licensed therapist with the Pursuit Counselling & Therapy team and book your free 20-minute consultation now.